I always write about my travels: the significance of them, what they mean to me and how they have transformed me for the better. When thinking about what to blog about today I just couldn’t get it together. I wanted to incorporate my travels into what I have been feeling lately but it’s been hard today. So today, I am just going to speak my truth and leave the travel out of it. Not for any particular reason except that I can’t seem to focus on anything else but my emotions and the uncertainty of my life. I created this blog as an outlet for me to use to remind myself of how lucky I have been through my travels but also to express the internal side of myself that my travels have helped me explore and become one with. I will probably ramble and repeat myself but isn’t that part of the process of dealing with our emotions?
I have been in a weird life moment the past few months, caught between where I was and where I am going. I have had so many ups and downs, days that are really good and days that basically suck. This in between phase of life has been really good for me but it has also been one of the toughest times. My sense of purpose has been lost and while I am hopeful and confident that it will come back, I also find it very hard to remain positive. I sometimes feel like my life is passing me by and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I am perpetually stuck in this in between. I do constantly remind myself that it is all going to be okay and I am going to get to where I’m going. One day I will look back on this time fondly. This time is all part of the process but living through the process has become a difficult feat for me. More difficult than I could ever have imagined which is interesting because nothing has ever really come easy for me. At least not the things that I really want. So in a way I should be used to this but I am actually not because in the past I have made snap decisions without really thinking it through as a way to avoid the hard parts. Aka the part I am living in now. I have learned not to avoid the really tough things in my life but instead remaining patient and focused on the things I want. But it is not fun to go through day by day on the sidelines. I am meant for so much more than where I am right now and I know it’s coming but I find myself feeling more and more unmotivated as time goes on. Doing things out of sense of necessity instead of want. But of course, we all hit rough patches and how we choose to conquer those pathces is what defines us. You have to fight through the hardest times to come out on the other side better and stronger. Like all things, this too shall pass I am certain of it. But this time waiting is a mental mindgame.
Time. Such a funny thing that our lives revolve around. We either wish to have more of it to keep up with the chaos of our lives or we wish to have something to occupy it when we have too much of it. There is never a happy medium when it comes to time. I am sure soon enough I will be one of those wishing to have more of it but now I spend my days desparately searching for something to pass the time that doesn’t involve mindless television and staring at computer screens reading through various job descriptions (secretly hoping that this time someone will call you instead of getting declined). I suppose the abundance of time is also what led me here. Having an outlet to speak my truth without judegement and escape the day to day monotony that has become my life.
At the end of the day, it all boils down to one thing: life is hard. Its not always sunshine and rainbows that society (and social media) tells us it is. Some days just getting out of bed is an accomplishment. But I think it is important to feel the hard days and try to make sense of it all. Remember that tomorrow is a new day and you can choose to stay in bed all day or you can choose to be the best version fo yourself, attacking the day head on. If I have taken anything away from this time off, it’s just that. Some days are harder than others and some days I will feel completely down and like I’m going nowhere. But then I remind myself that this is just a phase of life that will soon pass. Speaking your truth and reminding yourself of all the good things you have and all the people that stand by you are so important to getting through the hard days. I don’t it is possible for anyone to be completely alone; whether you realize it or not there is always someone in your corner. Someone who is always on your side; someone who always believes in you. I am fortunate to have more than one person in my life like this and on the toughest of days I think of them and even reach out to them if I’m really in a bad way. Sometimes just knowing that someone is on your side makes all the difference in the world.
The most important person through this season of life has been me. I have learned so much about my inner strength and have learned to believe in myself more than I ever have before. Having faith and staying positive in knowing that this is just a phase and that I will move past it is what has kept me going this long. I may even sound like a broken record by constantly saying that this will pass and I will find my way. But it is the thing I need to tell myself to keep going and not give up. Because that’s the truth of it, I am a fighter and I don’t give up on the things that I want and the things I know I am meant for. For the first time, in a very long time I actually believe it. So even though today has been hard and yesterday was hard I can only hope to wake up tomorrow feeling more positive. But also reflecting on the hard days, making sense of my truth and reminding myself that life goes on and I will get through. It isn’t always going to make sense (which is okay) but I believe in myself and I have faith. Afterall, losing those two things would be one of the greatest tragedies. But I am confident that I won’t lose my way quite like I did a few years ago. Doesnt’t mean things won’t be hard but I won’t ever lose faith even on the hardest days.